There seems to be a quiet agreement among Americans today to tolerate a growing epidemic in our culture. While we disguise it with many different names, they all ultimately boil down to a lack of margin.

There is something in all of us that wants to know where the line is drawn and live right on the edge; whether it’s with our time, schedules, budget or connectedness.

When it comes to our careers – one of the leading margin-killers – globalization, always-on-technology and market competitiveness are driving us to center our life on doing rather than being. For men in particular, it’s often noted that we have a strong need for achievement, respect and recognition. Unfortunately, this is most often satisfied with over-performance in our profession, all-the-while fueled by society’s expectations.

As with almost anything in excess, there are consequences for constantly maxing out; broken relationships, coping vices, health crises, a lack of depth, financial predicaments, emotional breakdowns and more.

However, this is not to say we should avoid hardship. A marathon is not won through idleness, but even world-class athletes know rest and rejuvenation is essential to maximum performance. We need to be stretched, challenged and called to grow and sacrifice, but in some areas the numbers show we’re taking it too far:

We now work approximately 8 weeks longer per year than in 1969 (1)
63% of Americans work more than 40 hours per week and 40% log more than 50 hours per week (2)
40% of employees work overtime or bring work home with them at least once a week (3)
61% of Americans check email while on vacation (4)
56% have anxiety if they can’t access email (5)
66% of people read email seven days a week and expect to receive a response the same day (6)
26% of Americans take no vacations at all (7)

But we have a choice. We can fight to create a healthy balance and a safe distance from the edge of the cliff. As we enter a new year, perhaps we should take a few steps back and applaud men with the discipline and fortitude to create moral, mental, relational and professional margin, vital for real fulfillment and long-term sustainability. And if implemented, something surprising might just happen. A few leading the way may reverse the trend by giving permission for others to do the same.

1, (“Work, Stress, and Health,” National Institute for Occupational Safety & Health Conference, 1999)
2, (Expedia.com Customer Poll)
3, (“Shifts in Work and Home Life Boundaries,” Xylo Report, 2000)
4-6, (eRoi Email Addiction Survey, Oct. 17, 2006)
7, (Boston College Survey)

Those that believe the New Year has promise for lasting change know that casual resolutions don’t last.

Personal development is a process that comes with discipline, grit and time – like a silversmith who refines his ore over and over through fire, drawing out its impurities and molding the metal with careful attention. The craftsman continually shapes the silver until it is pure, brilliant and useful.

Kaizen, a Japanese philosophy and strategy based on constant improvement, has been applied to business and management since World War II. Yet, its well-being and efficiency principles have application in the personal realm as well. Aiming for a better way to grow and live, Kaizen emphasizes continuously small steps and incremental gains over long periods of time. It’s a practical expression of the tortoise-vs-the-hare fable.

At its essence, Kaizen is about:

1. Eliminating waste and improving efficiency
2. Fostering well-being and satisfaction of the individual
3. Working smarter, not harder
4. Improving quality
5. Building on best practices to develop good habits

The foundation of the approach requires a daily process and discipline. As we strive towards obtainable goals with tangible benefits, we develop best practices that eventually become second nature to us – both in times of calm and chaos. It’s counter-cultural in a society that wants grand, quick change.

When considering something in our life that we want to change, the key is to make the steps so small we are almost guaranteed some successes. By focusing on continuous minor victories, we establish a precedent, gain momentum and ultimately develop new habits. Keeping repetition and tenacity in mind, here is a practical Kaizen process:

Make a realistic list of what you want to change
Acknowledge the resistance to change and fear of failure
Ask questions to determine the root problem
Think differently and make manageable and sustainable plans
Take small steps to form habits
Adjust and solve glitches along the way
Enjoy the rewards and moments of accomplishment

As you face the coming year and consider the man you want to become December 31, 2012, focus on constant improvement. Lasting growth won’t happen overnight, but it can happen over time.

Photo by Maryann Flick.

Some men live for this moment, others dread standing solo in front of a captive audience with a raised glass attempting a complicated combination of inspired eloquence and humor. Regardless, at some point in your life – a party, wedding, holiday dinner or New Year’s Eve – your turn to toast will arrive.

For every good toast, we’ve heard heaps of bad ones, so before you take the spotlight unaided, note these suggestions to help you deliver with class and grace:

Prepare. Odds are you’ll know in advance when an occasion requires a toast so don’t wait until the last minute to come up with something. All of us need a little preparation and work to be witty, well spoken, honoring and inspirational all at the same time. Privately practice and time yourself. You’ll feel odd, but better to flesh it out alone than wing it in front of a crowd.

Write it down. Putting words on paper will help you organize your thoughts, weed out bad ideas and remember what you want to say. Your outline should include an introduction of yourself, a sharp or humorous opening, a sincere and personal focal point and a winsome conclusion that appeals to the best in humanity. A note card with cues is fine for an occasional reference, but never read an entire toast.

Keep it short. It’s a toast, not a speech. The length depends on the context, but chances are people are waiting to eat or dance, so highlight the occasion, pay your respect and wrap it up in under two or three minutes. Even if you have a gift for oratory or wit, making a toast longer will rarely make it better. Also, if a few other toasts have proceeded you, adjust to the situation and shorten it.

Don’t be patronizing. A toast is not the same as a roast. Keep it tasteful, mature and suitable for mixed company. If you do tell a story in jest, make sure it concludes without being divisive or degrading. The toast reflects just as much about you as it does who you’re toasting.

Be honest and sincere. Flattery can be insulting, so pay your compliments with heartfelt authenticity. Being clever and witty is encouraged as long you are yourself. Personal anecdotes and remembrances are likely a perspective only you can offer and will make your toast unique.

Customize for the context. Tailor-make your toast for the occasion and be appropriate to the setting. Your content may vary at an office Christmas party, a family wedding, or a guys’ night out for steaks and cigars.

Note your delivery. Your presence and body language communicate nearly as much as your actual words. Be confident, but not arrogant. Stand up straight, look your audience in the eye and speak with a sturdy but not overbearing voice. Also, don’t forget to raise your glass at the end.

Now that we’ve entered the holiday season, odds are you’ll be making an appearance at your share of parties and dinners in the coming weeks, putting your conversation skills to the test. While there are a select few that seem to effortlessly master the English language, exuding wit and charm regardless of the situation or crowd, most of us find ourselves needing social support more often than we’d like. It’s one of the core characteristics of being human – the need to connect with others – yet, like most things, our innate ability generally takes us only so far. Whether it’s a business lunch, dinner date, neighborhood party or a night on the town, here are a few tips for refining your conversation abilities, helping you emerge intelligent, competent, charismatic and interesting.

Be authentic, confident and humble. Beyond just a tip for being a better communicator, these traits are at the heart of being a man of character. Feeling secure in who you are (and who you are not) and being unassuming will put people at ease, build trust and draw them to you.

Think like a storyteller. We watch movies and read books because we like to hear a good tale. When someone asks, “Hey, what’s new?” “Not much” is a boring response. Your life has a more noteworthy narrative than such a trite answer, so set the stage, incite intrigue, add suspense and deliver the resolution.

Truly listen. Some people spend most of a conversation wishing the other person would finish talking so they can voice what they really want to say. Apart from being inconsiderate and selfish, you can’t focus on what the other person is telling you if you’re just waiting your turn to speak. A good listener shows respect and value in the other person’s words.

Don’t be a habitual “me too” person. We all know someone that constantly has to one-up everyone. You can’t share anything without them jumping in to say they’ve also been there and done that. Commonality makes for a good connection but a braggadocios narcissist is a turn off. Instead, when you find mutual interests, go deeper into what they just said, not how it relates to you.

Who not what. Some people don’t like their jobs, where they live, the daily tasks of life, etc. So turn the discussion toward what makes them tick and come alive. Discover who they are not just what they do.

Be constructive. Nobody wants to spend their time at a party with someone that bemoans what’s wrong with the world. You came to celebrate, so be a glass half full man. If you do find an area of disagreement, don’t be defensive. Hear their point of view with composure – you may learn something.

Mind your mannerisms. Attentive eye contact, uncrossed arms, a kind smile – your body language communicates just as much as your words. No one will ever say that they appreciated how much you looked over their shoulder or checked your phone while they were talking.

Adapt to your partner. Be aware of and sensitive to what the other person is saying. Notice which topics they dodge and which make them open up. Tailor the conversation to their interests and comfort level.

Less is more. As the adage goes, better to be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Think before you speak and don’t over-share. Wade into the social water before you dive in too deep. Leave someone wanting more rather than feeling verbally dumped on.

In 1876, the men drafting the Texas state constitution could not have imagined that the two universities they were founding would end up so different. The University of Texas sits in the center of the city and is viewed by many as diverse, liberal and relaxed. In contrast, Texas A&M is based in a small town and often seen as a conservative, military-inspired agricultural school. For die-hards from each institution, there is hardly a tolerance of the other’s location, culture and – especially – their football team.

“You live and learn to hate the Aggies. If I knew somebody that is going to A&M or went to A&M, I wouldn’t even give them a chance,” former Longhorn offensive tackle Stan Thomas once told the Houston Chronicle. And there’s no love lost on the Aggie side either, with a school song that threatens to “saw Varsity’s horns off” and say “so long to the orange and white.”

The football series dates back to 1894, but it was in 1900 when the teams started competing on or around Thanksgiving. With the regularity of the showdown intact, the universities and their students began establishing their own rivalry traditions. The Texas Hex Rally has taken place annually as Longhorn fans attempt to curse the Aggie football team by burning symbolic red candles at a pep rally. And until its tragic collapse in 1999, the Aggie Bonfire burned bright, “symbolizing A&M’s burning desire to beat the hell outta t.u.”

Along with student traditions, families in Austin and the rest of the state began their own rhythms at Thanksgiving. One family, whose two sons attended Texas and A&M separately, still moves their large holiday gathering to wherever the game is played, even though they graduated 15 years ago. There are stories of grandfathers asking for God’s favor for their team while blessing the Thanksgiving meal and newlyweds fighting over whether to spend the third Thursday in November with her burnt-orange-clad family or his maroon-and-white-covered crew.

Although the Aggies won last year’s contest in Austin 24-17, Texas leads the overall football series with 75 wins to A&M’s 37. Names like Darrell K. Royal, James Street, Ricky Williams, Mack Brown, Colt McCoy, Bevo, Dana X. Bible, John David Crow, Jackie Sherrill, R.C. Slocum, Dat Nguyen and the Wrecking Crew are written in the history books along with their impact on this rivalry.

But this game means more in Texas than a football statistic. Your allegiance to the Longhorns or the Aggies will determine which team you’ll brag about around the fire on Wednesday night or while attending Midnight Yell. It will decide whose colors you’ll dawn on Thursday morning while watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. And the intensity of this year’s battle is heightened even more with the rumor this annual holiday game could end with A&M’s departure for the Southeastern Conference. For those who remember watching these storied programs on black-and-white TVs, and even for those young boys who’ll be throwing the football in the front yard sporting their favorite players’ jerseys, this game is as much a part of Thanksgiving as grabbing a slice of pumpkin pie. So whether you make the trek to College Station or watch it from the family living room, lets hope it won’t be the end to our state’s legendary tradition.

Photo: Johntex